Negotiating sex – start with porn

Background text reads 'PORN TUBE' and foreground are hands holding a phone with an image of a naked white woman.

It is impossible to negotiate sex, kink or sensuality without a degree of emotional risk and sharing porn with a partner is no exception.  Telling someone else that you are into particular sexual or kinky activities can be scary and difficult, so however you decide to do it, give yourself some self-care around it. More practically, it can be really hard to describe what it is that gets you off.  Given the ready availability and consumption of porn, it is a great place to start – after all, it is a big part of many people’s sexuality.  It can help you to work out what you’re into and give your partner a picture to work with. This can be especially helpful if describing desires in words is difficult or impossible for you. This exercise is often one done best with a partner (unless you are purely in it for self exploration).  If you are doing it to share, I’d suggest that you set a sexy date for the third step, but do the first two separately. This post is going to invite you to watch some porn, and to write about it for your partner/s. So, let’s get started!

 

Step 1 – Finding the right porn

There is a lot of porn in the world.  Pretty much anything vaguely sexual that you can think of has probably been made into a porn movie, so the trick is to be selective. Most people, even those that consume very little porn, have an idea of what it is that gets them off. That is a great starting point, but we need a little more nuance than that. It is important to differentiate between the things you like to watch, and the things that you think you would enjoy if you were actually doing them. For me, the porn that I have enjoyed most has often been between gay men. I really wouldn’t enjoy many of the things happening in those shoots if they actually happened in my sex life, but watching other people doing them was hot. So that stuff is hot to watch, but doesn’t really help negotiating.  What does help is the stuff that you watch that you might also like to try out.  The first task is to see what you can find that is close to what you would enjoy in real life.  It is usually best to have a specific partner in mind when doing this exercise, since the things that are hot with one partner may not be with another. Equally, you are likely to know many of your partner’s boundaries, so you can select for your desire as well as for how it would feel in your connection.  So, go watch some porn and make a note of the ones that fit the bill.

 

Step 2 – Customising it for your relationship

Once you have found porn that is close to what you’d like to have happen in real life, it is time to customise. It will be rare for you to find something that is so spot on that you are bowled over by every last detail. Even if you do, your partner will be looking at it with a completely different set of eyes, and may not know what it is about this scene that is particularly appealing to you. Is it the setting? The theme? Specific acts that are happening? The dynamic between the actors? One role or the other? After all, it would be really sad for your partner to think you really want a particular dynamic, when actually you just liked the activity that was happening. For example, expressing interest in ‘the bit where x tied y up’ doesn’t say whether you want to be the person that is doing the tying or being tied. It is really important to get on the same page about what you are seeing that is turning you on. This is about sharing a fantasy and creating a shared picture of your desire. To help them to see the porn through your eyes, I invite you to write a couple of paragraphs about what makes this porn hot to you and what you would change to make it work better for you. You might find it easier to have it written than to try to talk through it when you’re in the moment.  If you’re happy to just talk it through then you might just want to make a couple of notes.

 

Step 3 – Sharing your fantasy

It is usually best to have time set aside that is meant for intimacy with your partner to share your porn and reflections on it. If you have chosen a kind of porn that reflects sex, kink, or desires that haven’t been part of your relationship up to now, it is likely to be worth flagging that for your partner. This gives them the chance to decide whether or not it is something they feel comfortable watching, and to ask any questions. I’m going to assume that you have been careful in your selection to rule out any porn that you know they might find triggering. Whether you are sharing or receiving your partner’s sharing, remember that what you are sharing is a fantasy and not a reality.  It isn’t necessarily about the practicality of the scene, the bodies, or the acts. It is about being vulnerable and sharing a desire. Whether or not you find compatible sexual interests that you want to act on together, the act of doing this creates intimacy and demonstrates sexual desire to and for each other.

 

What to do when you don’t see yourself in what your partner wants

It can be hard to be present with a partner’s desire without it feeling overwhelming.  Whether that is because we don’t want the kind of sex or kink that they are into, or because we feel shame or triggers around what they want, it can be distressing. If you are having a hard time with a desire that they have, it is OK to say so.  It is often best to start with explaining that you think their desire is OK, but that you just don’t share it, or that there is some stuff you need to work through before you feel able to talk about it or engage with it.  Often you will find that their desire is multifaceted and that you are interested in some of it.  If this is the case then you can say which areas are complicated for you and which areas you are able to talk about.  Sticking with your feelings and working out what they mean for you is a great idea, and finding someone that isn’t your partner to work this through with can help too. After all, your feelings are more likely to be about you, your self image, your history with sex/kink/desire than about your partner.

One thought on “Negotiating sex – start with porn

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

w

Connecting to %s