Resources

This page is being constantly updated with new and interesting resources from across the internet. I’m going to start out by suggesting that if any of the sex/sexuality/gender/relationship terms on this site are unfamiliar, there is a great list of terms here.

Counselling

If you are considering psychotherapy for the first time, this article has some great advice – including ditching therapists that aren’t working for you!

Consent

Betty Martin has a range of wonderful resources including videos, worksheets and blog posts for individuals and couples.  My favourite is the 3 minute game which really gets to the motivation behind actions and why we give or receive types of touch.

Calum and Cat  have shared their workshop on “saying no, hearing no” which is a great resource for thinking about how no feels and sounds in different contexts and when said in different ways.

Pink therapy have two very useful sets of consent guidelines, one for community members and another for organisers.

Meg John Barker also has a lot of resources on their page relating to relationships, sex, kink and consent.  You can find a great 101 piece on figuring out what you want here.

If you prefer audio, Cunning Minx has a lovely episode on teaching consent at any age.

Self Care

I’ve already talked about Meg John Barker above, but their self care zine is truly epic.

There are also a few places with specific self care tips, try here, here and here. This one is particularly lovely, and the title is ace: ‘5 SELF-CARE STRATEGIES THAT AREN’T FUCKING MANI-PEDIS’.

Time with animals is known to improve your mental health.  If you don’t have one that doesn’t mean you can’t get time with one.  There are lots of sites that facilitate this, my favourite is borrow my doggy. It even offers insurance for borrowers.

 

Relationships

There is a lot written about love languages, but I really like this concise piece about how they can transform your relationship.

Cunning Minx has a wonderful podcast called polyamory weekly, which will likely have topics of interest to monogamous people as well as those in non monogamous relationships.  My favourite episodes include Date your Species, Designer relationships and what to do when you see gaslighting

Tikva Wolf is the creator of the fabulous Kimchi Cuddles, a fantastic site which explores  poly, queer, and genderqueer issue in comic form.  You will see a lot of her work on this site, so it won’t be the last time I link to her.  I especially love this, this and this.

I find the concept of pods articulated by the  Bay Area Transformative Justice Collective (BATJC) really interesting and useful.  I will be writing something about how it could work in alternative sexuality communities in a blog post soon.

If you are simply looking to find other people who have unconventional relationships, you might enjoy this podcast (and others by the same people), this blog post, or looking at OK Cupid or Fetlife.

If you are finding the language of polyamory confusing you might like to see this glossary of terms.

Some resources I’ve put together:

You can download this is a brief exercise that reminds you to use your senses when you want to feel more grounded.

If you are thinking about writing a user manual, getting into a new relationship or just taking stock of where you are, this list of values may help.

Favourite items from my blog

Self consent is a theme that I have been exploring lately, and you’ll find a series of posts about it.

Taking things slowly at the start of relationships is also something I’m really excited about, and you can find out why I think slow relationship starts are great and how to slow things down. I’m also into respectful and considerate relationship endings (or transitions), so I invite you to think about breakup planning, and what would make a breakup as kind as possible for everyone involved.

I’ve been working on queering relationships, and wrote a couple of posts about how to queer relationships, and what relationshipqueer means. I’ve also written about working out why you want to date, and two posts on partner selection.

I love the concept of personal user manuals, and I have written posts on getting started,writing prompts, and mapping your relationships.

Domestic violence is all too common, and being queer, kinky or in an alternative community doesn’t protect you from it.  I’ve written a couple of posts on why it is important to me, and how to intervene when you are concerned that someone is experiencing intimate partner violence.