Negotiating sex (and kink): map your erotic values

I love to find different ways of exploring my sexuality because each new approach seems to bring up new desires, new perspectives or new ways of talking about what I want with people I enjoy sex with. I delight in that exploration, especially when it increases my connection with the people I love. This approach … Continue reading Negotiating sex (and kink): map your erotic values

Sexual permission slip

Both Ecstasy is Necessary by Barbara Carrellas and Healing Sex by Staci Haines talk about the concept of a sexual permission slip. Given our culture around sex and consent, you might think that this would be a document written to outline what acts you give others permission to engage in with you, but you’d be … Continue reading Sexual permission slip

Negotiating sex – start with what feels safest

First-time sex with a new partner can be electric and full of lovely exciting hormones. While many people feel great about the first time/hookup sex they have, many others struggle with feeling like they didn’t express their needs, boundaries or desires and come away feeling triggered, sad or ashamed of what happened. If you already … Continue reading Negotiating sex – start with what feels safest

Negotating sex – start with context

The context in which sex takes place is often central to people feeling emotionally and physically safe as well as aroused. There are a lot of ways to work out the contexts that you feel most comfortable in, but I am going to make three suggestions: Reflect on your experiences Working out what contexts have … Continue reading Negotating sex – start with context

Negotating sex – start with feelings

For some people starting with how you want to feel will seem really fluffy and not particularly helpful, but many people find starting with how you would like to feel really illuminating. For me, starting with feelings is a great tool to use in established relationships where you have previously enjoyed kinky play.  It can … Continue reading Negotating sex – start with feelings

Negotiating sex – make a sexy venn diagram

This one is going to be quick and easy to explain. Sit down with your partner and a set of sticky notes or small bits of paper. Write all the sexual or kinky acts that you can think of on separate sheets (or just in a long list if you prefer). You can come up … Continue reading Negotiating sex – make a sexy venn diagram

Negotiating sex – start with the wheel of consent

The wheel of consent is a revolutionary tool, and there is no way I could possibly explain it better than Betty Martin does here. Effectively the wheel of consent, as you see above, pulls apart any instance of touch into two axes. The first is about who is doing the touch, the second is about … Continue reading Negotiating sex – start with the wheel of consent

Negotiating kink – share yes/no/maybe lists

Many people have a level of discomfort expressing sexual needs, desires and boundaries. There are lots of ways around this, but you will already know how much I love a good list. So, here is me promoting them as an idea again. Yes/no/maybe lists are an awesome written way to avoid some of the awkwardness … Continue reading Negotiating kink – share yes/no/maybe lists

Negotiating sex – reading erotica

Reading erotica together, especially when one person is reading it out loud to the other, is one of my favourite ways to start negotiations about sex and kink.  My introduction to really well negotiated sex came when my partner read a story to me and I noticed her breathing change when reading part of the … Continue reading Negotiating sex – reading erotica

Negotiating sex – start with porn

It is impossible to negotiate sex, kink or sensuality without a degree of emotional risk and sharing porn with a partner is no exception.  Telling someone else that you are into particular sexual or kinky activities can be scary and difficult, so however you decide to do it, give yourself some self-care around it. More … Continue reading Negotiating sex – start with porn