Negotiating sex (and kink): map your erotic values

I love to find different ways of exploring my sexuality because each new approach seems to bring up new desires, new perspectives or new ways of talking about what I want with people I enjoy sex with. I delight in that exploration, especially when it increases my connection with the people I love. This approach … Continue reading Negotiating sex (and kink): map your erotic values

Three tips for managing the anxiety of an empty diary

Over the last two weeks, lots of my clients have been telling me that they are having trouble with the change of pace that has been forced on every one that isn’t an ‘essential’ worker. For many people, this means moving from a 9-5 routine to having enormous amounts of free time, but no activities … Continue reading Three tips for managing the anxiety of an empty diary

Working towards self-compassion when emotionally distressed

Working with intense emotions can be really tricky because, frankly, it is difficult to remember when you're really distressed that you have skills, effective coping mechanisms, and the ability to get through an emotional crisis. This post is all about why self-compassion is a good idea when you are really distressed, and the next … Continue reading Working towards self-compassion when emotionally distressed

Three exercises for noticing small emotions

Historically, I wasn’t very good at noticing emotions when they are small. In fact, for the longest time I really only noticed emotions when they became too overwhelming to ignore. This was not an effective strategy. It led to really painful interpersonal conflict and meant I spent a lot of time running away from emotional … Continue reading Three exercises for noticing small emotions

Working with emotional activation

In the last post, I talked about taking your emotional temperature, which is something I try to practice most days because it isn’t something that comes naturally to me. Nevertheless, I find it invaluable in helping me to notice and work with my emotions. As I have practised noticing my levels of emotional activation, I … Continue reading Working with emotional activation

Taking your emotional temperature

So, I’ve been spending more and more time feeling into my emotions, and I’ve come to the conclusion that the way I was taught to understand emotions as a younger person was dangerously wrong. You see, I was taught that emotions could be understood on a scale from sad to happy (and that you should … Continue reading Taking your emotional temperature

The joy of comet relationships – Part 1

Let's start at the beginning. 'Comet' isn't all that new to the poly lexicon, but I've found lots of people that are unfamiliar with the term, so I'm going to start with what it means. The More Than Two glossary defines a comet as: "An occasional lover who passes through one’s life semi-regularly, but without … Continue reading The joy of comet relationships – Part 1

Five ways to work with a social comedown

If you haven’t read the last post, you might want to start there, since it has a much longer definition of what a social comedown is. In brief, social comedowns consist of difficult thoughts, sensations, feelings and urges arising after socialising that often include ruminating over past distress and judging yourself for having a hard … Continue reading Five ways to work with a social comedown

Boundaries: From the broken house to the fortress of solitude

When I was thinking about writing this piece I recalled a session that I went to on Boundaries at South West Love Fest in Tuscon last year. At that session, Diana Ryan talked about boundaries in terms of what a home would look like depending on how your boundaries were maintained. This was such a … Continue reading Boundaries: From the broken house to the fortress of solitude

Five things to pay attention to in the transition to existing relationship energy.

Naturally enough, there are lots of things to pay attention to at different times in your relationship. This is just a prompt to think through some common things that come up at this stage: 1) Did your chemistry mask poor compatibility? One of the reasons that the move from NRE to ERE can … Continue reading Five things to pay attention to in the transition to existing relationship energy.