cork notice board with colourful post-its and note paper

Connecting through lists

I’ll admit it, I’ve been on something of a trash TV binge.  Both of the show’s that I’ve been watching (My crazy ex girlfriend and Jane the Virgin) make jokes about people with list obsessions. Now, I’m a recent convert to the list as a way of getting stuff done, and they have upped my productivity.  But I don’t think that is the only thing that lists are good for.  Lists can form part of user manuals, relationship agreements, and breakup plans.  You can use the list format to brainstorm ideas about things you want in your relationship, things you don’t want, ways you like to interact and things you like to do.  So, here are 5 sexy ideas of lists that you could make with your people to spice things up.

1) Things you want to know about your people

From the best holiday they have been on to whether they like to wear matching socks, there are a million questions to ask people you love.  Making a list of them – particularly if you both make a list – can be a fun and intimate activity.  Asking the questions can bring you closer and some scientists have even suggested that asking increasingly intimate questions can make you fall in love with someone.  There are lots of places online that have lists of questions, but I recommend, but figuring out what you want to know and indulging your own curiosity.

2) Things you want to do for yourself for pleasure

Call me hedonistic, but I like pleasure. Making a list of things that bring you pleasure can help you to include more of those things in your life.  Some of these things might include partners, but solo activities are important too. From taking a bath to masturbating to having a walk in nature, list out all those things that feel good to you.

3) Things you want to try for the first time

I think trying something new can be an intimate, vulnerable and sexy experience – even if you’re terrible at it.  Many years ago I went ice skating for the first time with my ex-fiance.  He spent some teen years in Holland where he skated along canals to school, so he was really proficient. I, on the other hand, was a skating virgin.  I looked like some kind of fat Bambi on ice. It was not flattering and I fell over a lot. But it was a lot of fun. I spent most of my time desperately clinging to the side of the ice rink.  He, on the other hand, skated gracefully in what looked like effortless circles. Before we left he let me hold onto his back and he took me for a spin, which was really sweet – especially because I could easily have knocked both of us over!  

Trying new things for the first time with someone is often a rush, whether you are both intrepid beginners or not. If the other person has more experience than you do, it can also feel like a gift to them because they get to see an activity they enjoy with new eyes.  Whether it is a protest, rock climbing or roller derby, think about the new things you’d like to do and work out which of your people you want to share those first times with.

4) Things that make you feel connected with your people

This one might be one list, or it might be a few different lists.  It depends on what kind of person you are.  For me, there are some activities that feel pretty connected with just about any of my people.  Other people find that they need to tailor their list to the specific person.  Do what works for you.  Whether it is a long list of all the different fetishes that you want to try with a person, or all the places you’d like to travel with them, what feels like connection for you matters. Making it into a list means that you can be intentional about how you spend your time with your people and whether you want to do any of the activities to deepen your connection.

5) Lets talk about sex

Making a list of the things you enjoy in the bedroom (or club, or forest, or wherever you have sex) might not sound sexy, but when it comes time to talk about it I think it is really hot.  Especially if you are revealing that you enjoy things that you hadn’t previously talked about.  Sex is far too often understood as a very limited range of things. Expanding your understanding of sex to encompass the varied things that you find sexy is hot. Everything from toe sucking to spanking and ponyplay to hair stroking could be on there.  It is a great way to let your sexual partners know what you’re into and to start negotiations of how to create a sex life that works for all of you.

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