Beyond yes/no/maybe lists – the sex menu

A sex menu is exactly what it sounds like: a menu of items that you enthusiastically enjoy at least some of the time. It is a way of increasing your sexual intimacy by communicating clearly about your desires in a way that goes beyond the basic yes/no/maybe list. Some people like to work together with their partner to create a shared sex menu, while others prefer to create one solo and offer it to their partner as part of the process of negotiating sex. Sex menus can help you to communicate desires and fantasies, and make it easier to access the sex life that you’d like. So, here are a few things your menu should include:

1) Setting the scene

Setting up the kind of sexual encounter that you would like is a great way to begin your sex menu. This is a little like when you go to a restaurant that asks you what level of spice you’d like added: mild, medium or HOT! Often we will have different kinds of turn-on’s. Maybe some days you just want to scratch that itch with quicky sex, while at other times you’d like a long and close intimate encounter. Sometimes roleplaying might be your thing, and at other times you just want to be overpowered. Whatever your particular preferences for the underlying mood of sex, laying them out at the start of your menu can help you to create some really delightful choices further down the menu. 

2) Naming

What we call each other is often erotic. Some of the time we just want to hear our, demonstrating our partner is really here with us in moments of intense intimacy and closeness. Other times we want names that make us feel powerful or powerless. Including the names that you want to be called on your menu is a sure-fire way to help your partner get it right. Whether it is ‘Sir’ or ‘sissy’, its hard to deny the erotic power of getting the right word for the mood you’re in. 

3) Appetisers

Humans vary enormously in how long it takes to warm up our sexual engines. For some of us, it is about fanning the flames of passion, for others, it is working out how to take off the breaks. Either way, it is really helpful to begin with a few ways to ease yourself into a sexual situation. Some of us want to jump right into touch, while others need to talk their way into a sexual connection. You might want to include a striptease, being pushed against a wall, receiving a back rub or sending a naughty text. Personally, I find the 3 minute game a really great way to get started and to work out what I want. It is a great idea to include varied ways for you and your partner to get things started, after all variety is the spice of life! 

4) Main course

This is pretty obvious, isn’t it? What do you want the main sexual acts between you to be? Do you have an order that you prefer things to happen in? Perhaps oral sex first, followed by penetration? Or the other way around? Whatever it might be, here is where you detail the acts that help make sex great for you. Be specific. If kissing your right nipple is what brings you to the edge of orgasm, say so! If you need the back of your knee touched to get aroused get it down on paper. The more you detail the things that you really really want, the more likely you are to get them. This is not a time to consider your partner’s preferences (unless you’re writing the menu together) – they can do that when they read the menu. This is all about you, so get down what you REALLY REALLY want. 

5) Dessert 

I like to think of aftercare as desert, and that means both self and other care. Some folks really need to wash the lube off their hands before returning to cuddle, while others might just want to lie there in post-orgasmic bliss for hours, never moving from the puddle they have made on their sex sheet*. Give yourself permission to feel into what you want and need. Part of this might be the chance to review what happened so you can create something even hotter next time, or it may just be about what makes you feel best after everything is done.

*If you have never encountered the idea of a sex sheet, I highly recommend you consider buying one for yourself. Sex sheets are waterproof or water-resistant bedding that you can put under you so that fluids are caught rather than getting all over your mattress or other bedding. While an under-sheet can do this job, it is way harder to clean this than a sex sheet made just for the job. I’ve probably spent thousands on sex-related accoutrement, but if I could only have one thing for the rest of my sex life, it would be a sex sheet. Seriously, buy one. This is a fancy (and expensive version) and but incontinence pads and puppy blankets work well too.

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