This question is one that I’ve faced repeatedly since I became a therapist and coach. I have a lot of compassion for it. It is often frustrating to notice our inability to cope with things that others experience as minor irritants at worst. It can seem like others sail through life with so much ease when we can be floored by upsetting world events or crunchy moments in our personal or professional lives.
The bio/psycho/social of it all
Our experiences of the world and emotions are a mix of what is happening in the present moment and how we are experiencing it. Our experience is shaped by biological, psychological and social factors. Biological differences like neurodivergence, sensory impairments, medical conditions, hormone levels/changes, hunger, and tiredness can all impact how we experience events and emotions. So do psychological factors such as trauma, family patterns, personality traits, and our current coping skills. Social factors also play an important part, like our experiences of privilege or oppression, the social support we have and xxx.
A simple example is the experience of walking past an interesting shop with a single step to enter it. The average ambulant (walky) person is unlikely to find this experience to be notable, and will usually have little emotional reaction to it. A wheelchair user is likely to have quite a different experience. Her mobility impairment means that the step is a barrier to her in a way that it isn’t for an ambulant person. The step is likely to be a reminder that she experiences oppression and exclusion because of her mobility impairment. The world is literally not built for people like her. Even if she wanted to, she couldn’t get into the shop as easily as an ambulant person. It is a reminder that she isn’t welcome. Of course, this will likely be a daily experience for her, so she will likely have developed coping mechanisms. But that means that in addition to experiencing oppression and exclusion, she also has to expend more energy than an ambulant person managing her emotions. This is one of the ways marginalised folks have to work harder each day.
There are many things in daily life that most of us code as innocuous that have this kind of impact on some of us. I use the example of the wheelchair because it is an experience that I have, but I know folks excluded from spaces and experiences because the lights flicker, or because the snacks provided at a meeting are SUPER loud when opened and eaten or because someone is wearing a scent which means they can’t breathe. Our experiences of the environment we are in are necessarily filtered through our bio/psycho/social reality.
Things are upsetting for some of us that others experience as completely neutral or even beautiful. Yes, I am thinking of this design. Please notice how steep the ramps are, the lack of safety rails or handrails, the lack of contrast or definition to the edge of the ramp and steps.
When we compare ourselves to others, we generally don’t give ourselves enough compassion for the reasons that we are experiencing things the way that we are. If you have misophonia it makes sense that you’d have a much harder time with someone crunching away on potato chips in a meeting than others. If you’re trans, hearing about increasing opposition or restrictions to trans healthcare is likely to be more upsetting than if you’re cis. But it also goes well beyond this.
Social time – a drain or a boost?
Some of us thrive on social time, while for others social time is generally draining. Imagine two colleagues having a few busy weeks with lots of social events related to work and many meetings. Alex enjoys these opportunities to speak to colleagues and often comes away from conferences energised with ideas they are keen to put into practice. They get a burst of energy when they have been having more time with groups of their colleagues. Drew likes his colleagues, but prefers to spend time with them one to one rather than in groups. He finds the period of so much group time draining and exhausting, leaving him struggling to get through the work day and in need of a lot of time alone after work. Drew can’t help but compare himself with Alex when they are in the office together. He is envious that Alex finds groups so easy, and tells himself that he just needs to push through and go to these meetings and events. This situation brings up a bad case of the “should’s” for Drew. He starts to have thoughts like:
“Other people find this easy, I should too, if I don’t there is obviously something wrong with me”
“No one else is exhausted by this, I shouldn’t feel this way”
“I should be able to go to meetings and be productive”
“Everyone else can get more done, I should be able to as well, I’m obviously lazy if I can’t”
“I should want to spend time with my colleagues, they are great, if I don’t it must mean there is something wrong with me”
When we start to compare ourselves and have thoughts about how we should think, feel, or experience the world, we are generally judging ourselves and it’s often really painful. I think of it as “shoulding” all over ourselves. It brings up shame and self-hate and these feelings are reinforced by further judgements and negative thoughts. Lots of folks find themselves in this kind of thinking, and neurodivergent folks in particular often have a tendency to hyper focus on these thoughts, which has the effect of reinforcing and intensifying difficult emotions like shame, anger and anxiety. It is no fun to be stuck in a shame spiral, and it is all too easy to stay there because emotions love themselves and do their best to perpetuate themselves. I bet you can think of situations that give you a bad case of the ‘should’s’ too. If you can, just note them down.
Getting out of the spiral can feel like a gargantuan feat. If you’re currently in the middle of one I highly recommend trying some distress tolerance techniques before trying to address any of the big thoughts that you’re having. Once you’ve done that you might be ready to work on the thoughts themselves. While most ‘should’s’ are judgements, they often have an unmet need or desire under them. They are often a way of disowning that need or desire and turning it into an external rule. The problem is, judgements often trap you in inaction and increase emotional dysregulation. If you can find the need or desire under the judgement you can often reduce your distress and find ways to deal with the situation that are less destructive to your self esteem and possibly your relationships.
Taking the sting out of your “should’s”
Some folks will have a really easy time figuring out what they want or need when ‘should’s’ come up. I’m someone that finds it harder than average, so I have some questions that help me. I tend to only sit with these questions for a maximum of 5 minutes at a time, because they can be upsetting and I don’t want to end up in a spiral, so I’d recommend setting an alarm. Some questions that might help are:
* What do I wish was different?
* What is the good intention behind this judgement?
* What is this judgement trying to get me to do?
* If I could wave a magic wand and everything solved, what would be different?
Going back to Drew, he could reframe: “Other people find this easy, I should, too. If I don’t, there is obviously something wrong with me.”
as
“I wish I found socialising with groups of my colleagues easier, it sucks that I don’t” or
“I wish peopling wasn’t so exhausting”.
I don’t know about you, but reframing the “shoulds” to look for the underlying desire changes a lot of the emotional tone for me –– it goes from being ashamed to being wistful or possibly resigned. It is a step on the road to accepting things as they are rather than trying to ‘should’ your way into bending reality to your will. This reframing can bring you back to truths about yourself and your nervous system. Drew has a nervous system that operates best when he is spending lots of time alone or with just one other person. There is nothing wrong with that. Millions of people have a very similar experience. But it does have downsides, and one of them is that spending time in groups is predictably exhausting. While the “should’s” typically lead to lots of self hate and shame, recognising that reality can be really helpful. It can help Drew plan extra downtime when he has to spend time in groups, and he can be really selective about invitations to socialise in that way. He might also recognise the upsides –– he doesn’t need social interaction to have productivity bursts, he gets them when he is working alone and having moments of hyperfocus. A lot of the time traits that are getting in the way in the here and now are also helpful at other times or in other contexts.
Some common thoughts and reframes:
“I shouldn’t be so sensitive. I’m such a wimp.” to “I wish I was more resilient”
“I should be better at knowing what I’m feeling.” to “I wish I could identify my emotions sooner”
“She shouldn’t have ignored me in the grocery store” to “I wish she had said hi”
“I should have known it was a mistake to trust that person” to “I wish I hadn’t trusted that person, I hope I can get better at figuring out who to trust before I get hurt”
Once you’ve found the reframe, notice whether it changes how you feel. If you compare the original “should” thought to the new wish or desire based thought, do you experience them differently? It can help to share these thoughts with someone you trust and talk through the experience.
Feel welcome to comment below if you’ve transformed any of your “should’s” into wishes or needs. What was the before and after? How did the feelings change? What insights did you get?