Learning to tune into your emotions

What’s the most underrated life skill?

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I spent much of my 20’s trying desperately to be a person without emotions. It made me great at capitalism to be honest. I managed to buy my own home (without help from my parents), get funding and finish my PhD, work 3 or 4 jobs at a time and maintain pretty good relationships with people around me. But I was exhausted, and my body was showing the strain. I woke up one day with a sore back that just wouldn’t go away. 

Before I could acknowledge that emotions had a role in my life, everything had to fall apart. My back hurt so much that sitting down to write the end of the PhD was excruciating. I had this nagging feeling that something was off about my upcoming marriage, but I just didn’t want to interrogate it. I wanted the life I’d planned for myself so badly, no matter what my nervous system was shouting at me. 

Eventually, my couples therapist asked me, in front of my (male) fiancé, whether I had considered the possibility that I might be a lesbian. I assuredly did not think I was a lesbian. But my body was almost inextricably drawn to a female friend of mine. Looking back, I was 100% into her, but at the time I had a really hard time admitting that to myself. Mostly because I was trying to hide from my emotions. Endlessly discounting them so I could have the kind of life I’d expected to. 

Shortly after the conversation in therapy I kissed her, broke up with my fiance & came out. What I found was that my world went from black and white to glorious technicolour. Everything felt fuller. The emotions I’d tried to hide from were unmistakably part of my everyday life, and for the most part, it felt great. I learned so much about my true preferences and desires. Who I wanted to be around, what I wanted to do with my life, how I wanted to be in relationships. It changed everything. The life I had wanted started to appear so grey and dull in comparison that I wondered why I had ever been so committed to it. 

Learning to value my emotions helped me live more fully in my body. A life full of chosen adventures where I am really in the driving seat. In some ways, it started with a kiss. The moment of unmistakable desire that unlocked an avalanche of feeling. But in other ways, it started much earlier. With the nagging sense that something was wrong. With the exhaustion I felt as a result of perpetually being out of touch. 

My feelings weren’t convenient. They uprooted my whole life and set it upon a different path. But they remain important. They have helped me to live a life that I choose every day. From the adventures of fostering kittens, to the pleasures of creating less-than-perfect clay bowls and cups, to the pure joy of riding my ebike down big hills. Helping me to leave behind an academic career that never truly fit me, in favour of coaching and supporting clients with skills to build the lives they want. No life is perfect, but learning to tune into my emotions put me on the path to living well.